Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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