I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I wish life had little blips of pornography
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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