I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
