If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
