now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
