when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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