Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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