she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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