I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
