Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
