I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
