just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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