Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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