A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
This is my gift to your gina
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
