I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I've blown a few things in my day
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
