If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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