apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
