We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
