Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
