it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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