I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
