he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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