or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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