dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
