I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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