I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
