did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
