apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
