I met the friendliest cop last night
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
