Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
