We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
