I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
