I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
