I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
