That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
