My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
