ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
