life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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