You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
