You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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