I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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