i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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