woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
