So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
