I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
