Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
