My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
