You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
