Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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