You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
