you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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